So, yesterday I had to call him to deal with last minute things. He ended up hanging up the phone on me, and that is a HUGE trigger for my OCD. I had this compulsion to go and find him. Have you ever had a compulsion to do something? Well my compulsions are like that except it's like the the world is ending. If I don't do these compulsions I fear something bad will happen. Well, I ended up finding him at his work, and as you may guess, things did not go well. I ended up bawling my eyes out in full panic attack mode. In truth, I just want to end all contact with him, but when I have a compulsion it is indescribable how intense the urge is to act on it.
Anyway, today I thought going to the gym would help me get my mind back on track. I can't honestly say that I had any motivation. All I wanted to do was climb back into bed and sleep for a week. I didn't complete my whole workout, but I did do more that half of it: 15 minuets on the treadmill, bicep curls, leg curls, lat pull downs, and I hit the bench press. I feel better after exercising, but it wasn't my best work.
I seem to be having a really hard time with cardio. I love the weights. I feel stronger already and so empowered, but cardio is just that annoying thing that you've got to do. Today especially it was difficult to tell myself to keep going. Your mind will quit a thousand times before your body does.
Tomorrow I am planing a ride across the city instead of my usual gym routine. At this point my weight is 210.8 lbs. That's almost 6lbs lost. It is difficult to judge by the scale. I'm doing cardio and that surly is helping me lose weight, but I'm also lifting weights. Am I gaining muscle? If muscle weighs more than fat, maybe I have made more progress than I know, or maybe that's just wishful thinking. Haha! Anyway, I'm feeling good and on the right path. I just have to forget about my ex and move on. I know I can always count on the way my workout lifts me up and makes me feel amazing, good friends, and amazing parents who surround me with love and support.